Understanding Parents with Challenging Children
I refer to the letter “Stop Making Excuses” written by Choo Kah Ying and published in the Voices section of Today (7 August, 2007). For parents to discover their child suffers from a condition such as autism is a tremendous blow. Imagine when parents fully realize that their child has autism, when they realize that they “lost” the child they have always wanted, they feel overwhelmed, confused and lost themselves, in the state of despair and depression, coupled with anxiety about the bleak future that holds for their child. The early shock is often followed by a period of denail - that is the way the human mind works to keep anxiety and stress at bay. next, feelings of anger (How could this happen to me? That isn’t fair! Why must it be my child? Why do I deserve this?) and guilt (What have I done to cause this?) come in, later turning to sadness and despair (How am I to cope with my child?).
It is important for everyone including the professionals to udnerstand that it is never easy for most parents to accept a child born with some form of disability such as autism, where there is no definite cure at the moment. Having worked with many of them for past several years, I have come to terms that I just have to let these parents fo through those stages of emotional reactions. Making excuses by parents is just one form of going through that emotional reaction. Hence, it is not surprising for parents to continue denying their child’s condition and they may embark on a relentless search for a cure, frequently seeking opinions from one specialist after another, never satisfied with the outcome.
While I do not deny that continued search for what might help the child is both essential and valuable, extreme reactions of many of these parents are often based more on the need to stave off the sad reality of their plight rather than on their child’s real needs. There are also cases when parents get caught in unresolved anger and become embroiled in protracted legal battles with professionals (especially, paediatricians, psychologists and therapists) who they feel are responsible for the cause of their child’s autism or other form of disability.
Besides, having a child with a disability can make or break a marraige. However, parents of children with autism are no more likely to separate and divorce than parents of children without autism. This is not to say that there are no difficulties in the spousal relationship and should these happen it is important to tackle them. We do need counsellors trained to handle such cases involving families having children with disabilities.
We must not forget that children who have a sibling born with some kind of disability can also be struggling to grasp the problems in emotional adjustment and well-being. For example, several studies have shown that older sisters often tend to end up being expected to take on the child-rearing role in the family. Parents must remember not to overburden their older children with responsibility they themselves are also struggling to cope. Siblings have their own needs, too, and they also need time to foster their own development.
Finally, for those more able children with autism, parents should explain to them why they are different from their peers, what this means, and how it affects their lives. While it is easy said than done, parents must be aware of the issues, provide a suitable forum for discussion, share information at a pace suitable for their child, and pitch the content of what they say at a level that can be understood.
It is always good for parents to talk about their problems with friends and relatives so that others are made aware of their child’s condition and become more understanding towards such children with disabilities. In this way, everyone can play a part in making the world a better place for children with special needs as well as their parents.
Copyright © 2007 Dr Noel K.H. Chia. All rights reserved. see Disclaimer